Still not king. Never king in my case. I don't mean to inscribe any sense of jealousy, Mordred's kingship is his by right, granted from his world and he's been as brother to me besides, more than Agravaine, Gaheris or Garett ever were, more than Gawaine was a sister too. I cannot find that I fault him for the fact his destiny has now come to pass.

I applaud that he has made it so far now really, when there was so much to stand against him written in his past, written in his very conception. I'd not try to take it, I would have no right, I would not wish it but in my own manner, in my own place, I could have once hoped for the same, a chance to stand as leader, a queen of my people, to lead them from this place of chaos my father (if I may call him that, the man now dead resembled a father far more to me than any other ever had and I will miss him for that) left behind him, this place my cousin rules now, with enthusiasm yes, but not so well, and were it not for Lancelot and Vera she'd not be doing it in half the fashion she is now.

I could have done something great, to make a difference as my adopted brother has and will, but I am only useless child, left behind as product of a coup, only frightening for my attempts to find some semblance of control in a world spiraling beyond anyone's grasp, no priestess, though I am trained to it, no follower of my destiny, no anything of that like.

This world, I think, has no place for me, and while I once would have made a place eliminating all that stood between me and what once was mine by rights, those rights apply no longer, and I'll not step up and seize them for only my petty ambitions, for only my chance at making the world right.

I was to be queen. I lost that before I arrived here, but before it made no difference I had lost it, Cardigan would have gone on, I'd told myself, life would have gone on in whatever ways it wished, I would still have tried to make my differences but now...

Thrust back into the circumstance where someone else steps up and knowing now I never can...there's not so much to say of that really, only that the burst of being reminded of the destiny I'll not fulfil, the destiny yanked from me rankles, and I've no choice but to accept it.

No power, no spell I know will change the fact that while Mordred, my otherworld countrpart is king, I will never find that status in my own life, never do what I was born to, will be forever swept up in this fray of life moving on too quickly to comprehend, failing at adjusting to it, failing at most everything and exercising what little power I can though it is of no consequence.

Never to be queen, never to be lady. The King of Cardigan's bastard daughter, nothing more. I'd learned I was his daughter at age twelve, now at near fourteen, I now know the realities of such a position, of such a world as I live in and I find that I must now accept them, though I wish I could do or be anything but what is dictated.

The thing I want has now flown beyond my reach of course and will never return to me. Somehow that feels worst of all, that I am forced into giving up. I'd once sworn my will would not be tempered, broken by restraints, but look at what has come of those things.

I was princess, I was priestess. I am nothing.

When you say it's gonna happen "now",
When exactly do you mean?

-Mair