'Camelot as a place just didn't exist,' said Arthur. 'The nature of the knights at that time was very nomadic. Camelot was a caravan, if you like to call it that. It was a gathering of the King's followers. As long as the King and a couple of his men were gathered together it was enough to form a Camelot.

This guy may be a little nutters, I'm not sure, but I like what he has to say.
http://arthurpendragon.ukonline.co.uk/

-Lancelot

If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men's, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. Does this sound harsh to-day? You will soon love what is dictated by your nature as well as mine, and, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last.

Yes...

-Lancelot

love is the every only god

who spoke this earth so glad and big
even a thing all small and sad
man may his mighty briefness dig

for love beginning means return
seas who could sing so deep and strong

on queerying wave will whitely yearn
from each last shore and come home young

so truly perfectly the skys
by merciful love whispered were,
completes its brightness with your eyes

any illimitable star
-e.e cummings

To borrow a phrase from Anakin, my own illimatable star is here again with me. There are so many people I've hurt, so many that I've managed to wound even deeper than that, so much pain I've put all of you through, so much doubt and so much fear, but now...

In time I may believe in faith again. My faith in that star has now been renewed. Together we'll do anything as long as the table holds together...

-Lancelot

It is now that I realize how wrong I was, Arthur. How I should not have treated you the way I did. It is now that I know that you were right and I do need you to survive because there is no one else who cares for me as you do. I wish that you were here right now to see these words to know that they are coming from everything within me, every person I have hurt in the attempt to make myself forget you, every friend that I have lost now as I come to know the truth, every person that I set aside to declare my heart still remains yours, even if you do not have it and do not take me back. I do not deserve forgiveness for that which I have said and done to you I know, I wish I did for I would beg it of you and return to your side in an instant where I have always been meant to be.

I see the truth now, that it is you who made me what I am and without you I am nothing. You were right when you said you made me great and I was your best knight because I loved you so. Would that I could be that knight now, would that I could return to you and never again stray.

Words cannot describe how much I wish you would return to me and free my life from the Hell that it has been in. Losing you was worst of anything I've ever known, except living without you. For without you I am no one and will not be again unless you should return.

I do not deserve this, but I beg it...

Your Lancelot

And it's cruel but, he's got a good hold on me....

-Lancelot

July 2nd. 9:38 PM.

...

The hell do we do now?

-Lancelot

with thunderous applause...

-Lancelot

And I, by the way, am back, but there's no time to go into it now. I figure we can hire Anwas to just sum the entire thing up at some point later in the week.

But Siorus just woke as it turns out. The doctors have been trying, since they can't cure his disease, to at least create some periods where he is lucid enough to maybe make the decision about what to do himself.

But how do you ask a seventeen year old such a thing? Would you rather die slowly of a debilitating disease that in the end will make you have rapid personality changes, turn you into a vegetable and God knows what else, Siorus or would you rather someone take the chance at moving your soul now, while you're still alive into a totally other body?

Well gee I know which one I'd pick. House has him at about three weeks, the last two of which he predicts are going to be absolute Hell. He's said he'll go with anything that all of us decide but we do have to do something.

I'd like to just pretend he's woken up and will be fine instead.

The rest of the day was...I dont know. Galahad came by and we did lunch. There was Ragnell cake which helped a lot. House got the drug to try to abate symptoms at long last, I told him to inject it...

Really that's about it all for now.

-Lancelot

Day two of The Pact and we might have acheived victory. I am cautious yet, we'll see how long it lasts...

-Lancelot

Since you have broken our agreement we are now breaking ours with you. Stay out of the pact next time if you can't go along with the basic elements of it.

Aside from Mordred, all is going according to plan.
They don't all even know what's going on yet. I half wonder what that will take.

Quick! My icons. I need someone younger and much more attractive. And someone that no one else has or has had. Any ideas?

-Lancelot

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?


I already know that answer I think. I don't like that answer but it is all the answer that there is now. I do not know that anything can change it, those things that I seek are far beyond me now. I've no voice here, I'd no voice and no chance to do anything over at the game and have not had for so long now.

It becomes impossible when one considers that I've not been able to talk to anyone, really talk since around, maybe December if I am being optomistic about how that thing worked. I suppose I've found my medium in people coming over here to talk to me. I don't like that it may as well be that I don't exist, I have a job to do and things that matter to me, fading out and away isn't so horrible as I initially thought.

Instead it's more like...I don't know. I'm simply not needed anymore. As much as I deny the fact that I'm not going to be here and talking forever...I know it's true now that I won't. Only a matter of time, I've said until Siorus is knighted but that's being optomistic really because he himself is close to disapeering too as are Agravaine and Anwas.

When you're almost used up and they've stopped wanting you is when it all falls down around you. Im starting to lose whatever it was that made me ever real to begin with, that brought me to life. I won't say I have nothing to exist for, that isn't true, but there is nothign to exist here for. No reasons, no one willing for anything to change...

I told Robin a few days ago he ought to take my place, he's taken all the rest of our places pretty effectively already. I don't hate him or Gisbourne, I can't, it isn't their fault that this happened, not their fault the time has come for all of us to sleep again for God knows how many more years.

Maybe next time when we wake, someone willing to appreciate us for more than just a simple season will be there. Maybe the third try IS the charm.

We'll wait and see when that day comes.

So far they don't seem upset though.

Just to be sure I'll be laying low for a while. With any luck it will someday change. If it does not...well I have lived through that before, I can do it again, and better not to risk creating scenes in somewhere that I have become unneeded and unwanted.

I'm not angry this time either. It is just the way that life is, and how I think it's always going to be. I stole a few minutes out tonight but I know that sort of thing won't last, there'll be too many problems stemming from the fact I dared.

Well it could always be worse. Somehow.

-Lancelot

I assure you all that I am dealing with the little...incident that occured today. I appologize for my squire and the fact that he has decimated an entire bathroom. I did not know you could smash both a sink and a toliet into utter oblivion, break hair products, soaps and cleaning supplies and rip an entire showerhead out of the wall while breaking the sliding shower door.

I'm also sorry that I took the regular door off of its hinges but that seemed to be the only way to get him out again with his locks and baricades. I will be seeing to the problem and I assure everyone that he won't want to do it again when all is said and done.

And sorry to everyone who has to put up with people in your bathroom while we get that fixed.

-Lancelot

If life is to continue in this fashion (ie, everyone fawning over Arthur and only Arthur at the game) then Agravaine and I have determined that we must be firm in what we plan to do. Until he is removed from play and from his place here, we will be taking our respective squires, our respective mounts and our respective belongings to somewhere far from here.

Sar knows that the conditions of our return are that she is rid of him so we will see how long it takes for those to come about. Should they ever happen to do so we will return with pleasure, it seems a shame to be forced out of our home, away from the people we care for, but in times like this, great actions are nessecary to be undertaken in order to get the things we need.

There was no need of an Arthur here, no reason for her to value him above us as she has, no reason for her to let the demands of a game dictate our own well being, yet she has done these things, and we believe, will continue to do them so long as he, the man who has signed papers swearing to kill the Lancelot from his world if he comes out agan, maintains his hold over us.

Not my king. Never my king and I will never pretend otherwise or believe that this is right. To prove it isn't right, we will be leaving.

I hope that it is not for long but I can hardly tell such things now.

-Lancelot

Note

-Lancelot

J'ai été blessé. J'étais fâché. J'étais tous deux de ceux pour tellement très longtemps que je n'ai senti autrement rien que j'ai permis à ceux, avec la haine, comme si je jamais pourrais vous détester, pour opacifier mon esprit, pour m'inciter à faire et pour dire et sentir les choses que je n'ai jamais voulues dire.

En raison du ce, vous avez pensé que je vous ai détesté. En raison de celui vous n'avez jamais su combien j'ai calmé l'amour vous, combien je pense à ces jours dans Camelot quand nous étions jeunes et n'avons su rien de ceci, quand la vie était exacte et les choses étaient normales. En raison de celui I n'a jamais indiqué au revoir, jamais ne vous a encore parlé, non jamais jamais indiqué clairement, non jamais arrêté vous des choses que vous avez fait pour vous nuire parce que je me suis dit que je ne me suis pas inquiété maintenant qu'il n'a pas importé, vous pourrais faire ce que vous l'avez aimé...... En raison de moi et de rien autrement. En raison de celui, cela j'étais têtu, et fâché et permis ce mal à filtrer dans lui...

en raison de MOI vous êtes maintenant mort, Arthur. Et vous saurez jamais vraiment et je peux jamais vraiment vous dire ou obtenir n'importe lequel de cet espace libre. Je sers votre fils maintenant dans votre place, j'irai dessus de pair avec ma vie car mieux moi bidon, et cette fois je vivrons encore. Je ne laisserai pas votre mort et être la cause d'elle me détruire pendant que je laissais votre vie et le cours de lui commençait à faire à moi. Je vivrai, je serai heureux et un jour je me rappellerai et je sourirai à ce qui a passé. Une mémoire heureuse de votre vie.

Vous ne pouvez pas mériter cela, d'autres ne peuvent pas se sentir que vous , mais il vous sera donné en outre. L'homme qu'I a par le passé connu mérite cela. Et I ? méritez une vie. Je sais cela maintenant de façon ou d'autre. Je vais aller mieux.
( translation )

-It's written in french, who the hell do you think it is?

I think that I now know what I have to do.
I'm certain Prince Imrahil would not mind me entering his country and living there, and I can fight things out with their order if need be, find a place in the scheme of the swanknights and Amro will be there so that all will be well as far as that is concerned.

I can make myself forget this, that Gawain would be ruined if I spoke to him, that I am responsible for Arthur's death of disappearance, that because of me, my son has given up on the world, and that I'd not make a proper monk once again.

Better to be with someone who loves me and learn to love him in the way that I loved them, because I do love him now, it just is not...but I wish it to be. I could love him in that way I think, were I able to forget that all of this, that Gawain, Arthur, Camelot, never existed, and I need to love someone who will love me back, I need it so badly that there is nothing else within this world that can help me.

I will forget them, let them fade away and die to me and find a life unmarked by any of this misery I carry. With Amro I am happy, happier than I have been in years, though not entirely fulfilled as I was with Arthur even when he discarded me, as I felt I would have been with Gawain had he given me the chance...

I want that fulfilment so badly and I love Amro, I do... For that to happen, I would, I think, do almost anything, even forget who I am.

The world isn't much inclined to remember me now besides.

-Lancelot

It's a monastary for me in the end once more. The wrong sort of love does strange and funny things to a man's mind I must admit and leaves him in a place with this the only option.

So, I'll quit the world just like my son. I can get by with the lying, the pretending to believe. It's the only way I can get past him now.

Amro? I love you, I never meant to hurt you so badly as I have. You were kind to me, we were good for each other and never has anyone ruined that so badly as I. There's something in me that will love you always, for showing me what no other person could, the things I truly need in life, but in return I hurt you for them, ruined everything. You deserve and need someone so very much better than me that I don't dare hold out hope that after all I've done it could be fixed. It is not you I doubt, it is myself, and were I doing this again, I'd take the chance to notice, to appreciate how wonderful you are, the few moments of happiness I've had in life which you gave me and maybe then things could end differently. Someday you're going to make someone else very happy and lucky, I only wish that this time they will do the same for you.

Gawain? No there aren't words. It's all as it should be now, and with me gone will become even better. You need them, they need you and I won't be in that way now. Tell Ragnell...but she'll know, she always knows and I appreciate that most.

The rest of you? I may come by from time to time, effectively not often, after all what monks do pretty effectively is disapear. It will be all right, I'll check in with Sar and let you know how I am, what I am doing.

Not so awful after all, in the end...
-Lancelot