Djaq porn...check, NICE robe you weren't wearing...

Kari porn...check check, lovely collarbone, especially when its glistening wet.

Siorus porn...I know exactly where you are you know and you can't stay away forever...

New videos uploaded to the site. Go check them out all of you.

-Anwas

If that's the way you want it, then fine.
I win in the end but we all knew that already.
Sir Anwas. I like it.

-Anwas

I hate it being this way. There's so much I still want to do but can't. If I even tried to attempt going back there, talking with all of them, it's closing a door on everything that's happened isn't it? If I don't keep it with me forever, that's good as saying that it didn't happen and that everything was always fine. I hate having to deny everything, and that I can't even talk to some of them anymore as well as what it made me do to them.

But I can't...I don't know how to...

Forget I put this here, I'm going to try that now.

-Will Scarlett(transcribed by Sar)

Why can you not give it up?
-Anwas

He's back. They don't want me to see him yet but he is. It's funny I have no idea what to say to him anyway, even though I can't wait to see him. It feels like years have gone by since then even though I know it wasn't. And I was away sulking about something when he died and now...It just feels strange as happy as I am. I'm not sure how I feel about that so instead I'm going beg shamelessly for a lap dance now that I'm legal, 'kay? -Anwas

Dear Everyone,

I have lied to you, cheated you, stolen from a good deal of you and used my circumstances to get what I want with no regard for your own thoughts and feelings. I have done this since shortly upon my arrival and continued to persist in it beyond a normal, rational level which was not right for me to do.

I hope to apologize to each of you in person later today when we can meet, but should we not have the chance to do it, I also wished for everyone to know at once.

I don't know how I can make up for my behavior from so long ago. If something you would like occurs to you, do tell me or leave a note here and I will do my best to follow through with proper reparations once I no longer am in so much screaming pain.

I hope that our futures may become brighter. Sir Agravaine says there's a program that he will be sending me to, especially now that my body is capable of functioning, in some attempt to reclaim me for society. I have the feeling that I know what's coming from it, and what might happen to me there and this scares me a little, but maybe I don't want to argue anymore.


That only ever gets me into trouble. I'm starting to remember that's a bad idea...

-Anwas

...But right now I'm not all that sorry for anyone involved in this but ME.
I might or might not be around tonight. I sort of doubt it, owing to Agravaine and how I feel myself after everything's been said and done.

I didn't realize that he still had that much strength and this was him restrained. I'll see you guys after some ice packs, maybe, if he lets me have them, which I doubt for today.

And I have a functional body again too, got that one yesterday. So far I'm not sure how I feel about that.

-Anwas

The truth is, I'm maybe a little afraid of having my ass kicked for the stuff I've pulled since January when I realized what being stuck in the chair could do for me. I was angry, I was able for the most part to express that, aside a few times the clone Agravaine actually tried to take charge and I liked being able to be that way to everyone.

And then I was angry at what else the clone did to me and since I knew no one would do anything because I was in the chair, I took it out on all of you again. I guess it was wrong, I don't know.

Somewhere along the way it just got to be fun, knowing what I could get all of you to do and make you react to me without any truly horrible responses. It felt great actually, like I had some real power in my life for once and no one could stop it.

And now they say if I stay in this body I'm going to die the same way Siorus did. I don't want that but I'm scared to change back too, because I know what's probably coming.

The whole thing about being scared because of being freaked out about moving bodies? It was a lie too...

I know what I should do, what I have but...I'm not looking forward to it either.

-Anwas

When this insane storm lets up and the airports open again, I will be leaving here for Cardiff via Heathrow. I've thought it over a lot, sold my stuff and even the dollfie Siorus left me, for this ticket and to get over there. I won't be coming back until...ever.

So don't go trying anything, it's too late to care now when you never did. Enjoy your rpgs where I'm not included and the book that I'm not in. You've earned it.

Bye.

-Anwas

No, it really isn’t fair. I don’t care how whiny or scurvey dogy or emo I seem about this whole thin', it just isn’t. I mean how many times now has me life been taken away from me? There was t' very obvious first time, thar’ve been tons o' times here, and now I’ve lost it again for what I know deep down was me very last chance t' be someone, t' have a life, t' be a knight or at least come close t' havin' somethin' like a life again. "
I don’t care what you’re urgin' me t' do, Scarface. YOU got your chance, you never had it yanked away for reasons you couldn’t control. I will never, never forgive her, especially since thar’s no room for me in t' new place should it happen.
Go ahead everyone. Call me insane, or childish or spoiled. T' truth be I don’t give a rats ass anymore. At t' end o' me life I will never have existed. I don’t see how its not a big concern for t' rest o' you its happened to. I may not be able t' fight it, I’ve given up fightin', but you can bet I’m goin' t' mention it and t' waste me life has now become thanks t' what Wild Bethan's done t' me.
-The Dread Pirate Anwas

I'm mostly happy really, with the way that things turned out. A little nervous, a bit confused as to what this means in terms of everything else in my life, but even now it's easy enough to see that I've made the right choice.

After the long talk I had with Agravaine, and the somewhat longer one with Galahad, I guess I'm perfectly normal in that, even though I'm thrilled, I'm also sort of dazed, and wondering when the shoe's going to drop. Not that I think it will, it's more the response I've grown to anticipate since coming here.

Knowing Agravaine is not just getting rid of me has helped as well. The first thing that he said when he asked to talk to me about all of this was that he didn't intend to become simply another ex of mine, and that he still intends to be there, like he's always been since I was twelve, it's just going to be a little different, like he's gone from being parental figure/mentor into simpy mentor, which is where(given the past several months and the fact that they've resulted in my being unable to accept much of anything that comes from him) we'll stand a halfway decent chance at rebuilding what was there, while I work on building things with Tim as well.

It's overwhelming, I'm exhausted, but both of those things are worth it. It's almost like we're all going to be okay now. I'd like that I think.

-Anwas

I seriously wonder what it's going to take sometimes.

...Is anybody out there actually willing to talk to me? Someone please? I am so very bored.

And why is it that everytime a person says that they're still encouraged to do stuff away from the stars of the moment anyway? It's still just like it was before but this time at least I'm going to be prepared for the occurence of what everyone ignores happened to me last time should it happen again.Not that I think it's going to now but people always take advantage when the muns' collective eyes are focused elsewhere onthesamedamnpeopleornearlyanyway.

I can already predict exactly how the game will go...

Someone save me from this bullshit.

Forget it. Just forget it. No one in here gives a fuck anymore anyways.

-Anwas

I don't even...

I'm sorry, you know? The not being around when I could have thing. And I mean lately we'd been starting to have fun again while you were lucid but...

I wasn't there when it mattered and now I'm writing this instead of saying it, like I could have been there for.

What's scary is you were the same age as when they say I died. That stuff's just not supposed to happen.

But you died a squire once again. I'd say it counts for something.

I'm going to miss you.

-Anwas

I'll be back when James Norrington says that I can talk again. Later.

-Anwas

You geniuses had this problem last summer, yeah?

Maybe it means you're the problem and obsession of the hour is just that. It's not fair no, it's not at all right, but honnestly?

You morons brought it on yourselves.

-Anwas

You know...

I'm not even surprised it came to this. It's sort of just confirming something I've known all along. It really was, the entire fucking thing for nothing. Those months where...

God, the last damn place I need to go is there.

Speaking of God... Yo, JC or whatever sick fuck is running things? What the mother fucking hell are you doing to my life, Asshole? Is all this crap some joke of yours so you can sit there laughing while it all falls to pieces?

I'd sort of like it if you'd just give me a chance to breathe for once. I know it's too much for you, great and powerful manipulator and mover of all things below your Revered Fucking Excellence And Glory but honnestly? I'm sick of playing along when I don't even win the Cunt-Licking studio audience prize and when you're doing fuck all to help the situation. Game over, Divine Bastard, since I'm walking.

The rest of you? You're no help either. Thanks a lot for failing me here too, Sir Agravaine, oh greatest hypocrite of Camelot. I swear here and now for all who read this thing to see that I won't forget, I won't forgive and I couldn't give a flying fuck about the things you promised me when I was strung out enough on Stephen's cheap and shitty painkillers to actually believe you.

Well Q. E. Fucking D this time around for all of you. Thanks for showing me exactly how its true that you're all narrowed minded selfish sons of bitches with your heads all stuck so firmly up your asses that the world can go to shit and no one notices because they're all too busy obsessing over roleplay and your precious internet activities.

Oh cry me a fucking river all of you. Someday you're all going to get it and someday I'll sit here watching you and laugh. After all, its nothing less than all of you are going to deserve when the time has come and you know how it feels. When you're not too busy whacking off to porn of Richard Armitage at least...

-Anwas

Not as much as some things have sucked even here. I get that Agravaine obviously does care if he's going to these extremes and taking Lancelot with him. That's really only fair I guess, they've been united in everything ELSE that's happened here.

Apparantly I'm not mature enough to be knighted, even if I did the body change and that has very little to do with age. Apparantly he's tolerated far more crap from me than he would have in Camelot and he is sick of playing games that I am 'far too old' to play.

I would have been upset, but this time I listened instead. I don't know if I feel guilty or upset or what, or much of anything. I don't even know what I intend to do so long as it is something but what that something is, I haven't the slightest clue.

There's something about therapy and needing it, there's something about being mature enough to accept the way things are and to listen to his authority even if I don't agree with it. If I don't want to, I'm free to do anything else, completely free period.

I've been completely free before. And I don't like it.

I don't know yet. I went away to think after they were done with us, Agravaine wants a private word later too, apparantly that is when I'm meant to tell him what I want to do.

I THINK I know what I'm choosing. It means a step back a little, but it's probably the safer thought, the better choice...

But do I want to give all of this up?

It's hard to say yet.

-Anwas

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I don't think I caused what happened or what looks like the outcome, but I did not help either.

That was one of those last straw type moments. Granted we've had those before but this time. I don't know. It seems so much worse than usual. Maybe because I meant the words at the time, though I didn't really mean them the second they were out, or because I could see how upset he was but I went ahead and said them anyway.

It isn't the first time I have deserved to be slapped, especially lately. I know that. I'm not asking for anyone to help me make excuses.

It was just the first time he's ever done it...

-Anwas

Sar said I was allowed to write this in her class because we're talking now. So I'm giving the pen thing a shot again. I debated asking the community about this but I have the feeling explaining the situatuation and that I happen to be bisexual is going to go way over a lot of their heads. But, as Sar put it, it is true that one day I was soon to be knighted, finally loved by Agravaine in the way I had wished for two and a half years and capable and confident and that the next day Agravaine was ten years older, it was "sick and wrong" for him to love me, my legs were useless and every bit of control I had once exercised over my own life was gone.

Adjusting to the change...I guess that's why it did not hit all at once. While Kari was away and Agravaine with her...I'm not sure... I was angry, I admit, not that he was leaving me, the man did need to have something like a break but...The fact that he DID leave and that it was with Timothy...the Replacement.

That wasn't Timothy's fault of course, but all the same...that made me angry, I tried hard to be good, I didn't want it to get Lancelot in trouble. Then Siorus and I were bored...it all came up...they tried to pull us back, the first time I felt really free...

It was stupid but I was just so...I could not control it, I've always had what we can call a temper, been "difficult" because of that...I sometimes recall it and the actions, like that night.

When Agravaine returned, I still was angry. At Lancelot for simply doing what he'd promised Agravaine before he left, for following the rules we had agreed on, at Siorus for being so apologetic, at my useless legs, the stupid chair, then Agravaine, first for being angry, then for avoiding me to discuss the incident with Lancelot, then that he chose to punish me as if I were twelve again, a CHILD. Also that he halved that punishment, as though I could not handle more. It was all of it mixed into one, I know that now...I just could not...

Maybe I DID drive him away from me in part, that vase I threw at his face...that wasn't an accident, the things I said, I meant the words. I do still now, but had I really known...

I doubt I would have said them, gone into the closet...I don't know what is coming next and that sort of thing...I really hate it most of all.

Everything is out of my control, I don't know what to do, I wish that since I feel sensations I could learn to walk again, but they've all said, HOUSE even has said, the damage from the sword that stabbed me is too much. I can't get Agravaine back, can't fix this, and I HATE it.

I'm not so used to being afraid...

-Anwas

If there is anything I have learned from the past two days, it is that, when it comes down to it, running away is always an answer. Not only running, throwing people away for stupid reasons, treating them like children because they no longer fit your image of the ideal, then running away again when your lust object du jour seems not to like you anymore either. Cowardice is perfectly acceptable now. I believe it is the new violet.

Thank you for that, Sir Agravaine. As ever, you have taught me well.

I told him as much as this tonight, before I came back here. I told him this, I meant it, and true to form, I still do so. He maintains he will not be back. Just as well, it's become time to stop hoping for many miracles.

I know all of you blame and hate me for this. I wish that I could say I did not give a fuck...no on second thought I really don't.

-Anwas