I am being told to write here because...I have no idea why actually. Yes, some things have been bothering me lately. Several things but one more than the others and apparently it's not healthy to ignore things like this for very long or they seem to go crazy. Well then. In the interest of avoiding complete and total madness, I suppose that I may as well come out with it.

I have recently made a new friend. An actual countrywoman of mine despite the millenia between us. Mistress Allett reminds me of those parts of myself I'd forgotten existed. It started with sharing music together. My harp and her fiddle and some of the old songs and then...it led to other things. Discussions of old places, how things have changed between our years and damn.

In Steren's day and age, a reemergence of Cornish culture, of all cultures that made up parts of conquered England, has been recognized and there has been a lot of work done in finding out, replicating and experiencing "the past".

This past involves some things I barely know of, things I had forgotten and some things I should know and hold dear. I hate knowing that the woman from a time after it had been declared extinct, can speak the native tongue that I should know far better than I can. I hate that I can hardly remember the words, since most of what was used in Mark's court, and all that was used in Camelot is English.

Being who and what I am, and who and I what I know I am supposed to be...this should not stand. It cannot stand, and yet it is, it has and damn. It pricks at me. Yes, I'm getting her to teach me more of it, and yes it's important enough to do it right but just...I'm allowed irritation at some parts of this I'd say.

I don't think that I'm jealous. Just annoyed with myself and the world I was part of. Does that even start making sense? I am not sure anymore. It doesn't really help that Sar, my Mabinog, has not practiced in a few days. Something about a papercut but there goes my way to get this out.

FML. Well marginally.

Midshipman Bolitho makes me realize just how far I've fallen and to what pit of impropriety and inappropriateness I have condemned my very inappropriate crew. This could become, it in fact is a problem that I ought address at some point in time.

Due to our small numbers, and the fact that we consist of mostly officers and one seaman, we fraternize far far more than we ought to have. Archie, Bush, Ms Smith and I spend too much time with Styles. In addition to this, Miss Bush and Miss Kitty spend more time than is appropriate on the ship with no chaperones in sight. This is... concerning to say the very least.

I really had ought to put a stop to it, yet I enjoy it. I enjoy being here and things proceeding as they do. This makes for a terrible captaincy and I never wanted that much either. Why is it that when I am finally happy, I come to understand that I am wrong, completely wrong and need for these things to stop? How can I possibly come to enforce these things?

Would that I knew or had some counsel in this matter...

A or B?

A is winning at the moment, due to the fact that "blood and bits of skin won't collect in the knotwork as easily" or something.

Men...

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...You really do understand me. I'm not sure if this makes me want to hug you or to kill you. Maybe both.
-Wouldn't you like to know.

Lyrics to the song currently describing my life...

Good sir, I now present myself before you.
With velvet robes and lilies in my hair,
My ladies do their best with what they're given,
And I only pray that you will find me fair.

I ask you leave a penny for the bargeman
And one in penance for the hearts you break.
And keep these words forever as reminder
Of what sends a dying lily to the lake.

Dear Lancelot, my sorrow clad in silver,
You see my thoughts return to you again.
You came to me as others come a-courting
But nothing is with you as other men.

I ask you leave a penny for the sermon
And another for the errors that you make.
And keep these words forever as reminder
of what sends a dying lily to the lake.

With trembling hands I held your life inside you
But failed to earn your favour for my own.
Your coppers were an empty consolation,
For my needs are met by you, and you alone.

I ask you leave a penny for the water
And another for the liberties you take.
And keep these words forever as reminder
of what sends a dying lily to the lake.
-Heather Dale

I knew that this was gonna be an issue in the game at some point in time. I knew it and I didn't want to think about it so I didn't and now it actually IS an issue and I don't want to deal with it because I'm going to look bad if I tell her no but I don't want another Master and I mean I like Master Ti and everything but I just no. It isn't right, its like, I don't know, I guess I kind of knew that if I was going to be there and a jedi and not dead it would have to happen but I kind of liked the floating around thing without having to be tied down to anybody or to pretend to do it and I don't like thinking about this because its like they want to change me and whose bright racist idea was it to put the two togruta together anyway? I mean HELLO its not like people won't NOTICE anyway, not that anybody there is SANE but Masters Luminara and Ti its that I don't want to be anybody else's padawan even at a game and you know, they could have asked US if it was okay before they went on talking about it and I mean I know she's just thinking about it right now, but the fact that she posted about it makes the players expect it and I don't want to think about it or deal with it right now. It's not that its going to change things with my real master or that it'll wreck things but I don't want to have two and to have to pretend that I'm going to be able to bond with her or work with her or anything like that. I mean that's not who I am, she's all brainy and smart and I'm smart but I'm more action and I don't want this to ruin everything but I don't want to leave either and I'm so confused and I just don't know what's going to happen and how to deal with it and I can't tell him any of this because he won't get it and will be all 'its just a game' or whatever and like it really *is* just a game but it's also sorta real in a vague way and if I say anything in game they'll all think I'm being stupid or an idiot and I'm supposed to be open to new experiences but I just don't want to do this. It doesn't feel right to me even if its interesting and everything. I want MY messed up master who can't really teach me how to use force hearing because he has no idea what its like and my messed up master who sneaks out to the dump at three am and is gone for ages and thinks I don't know and my messed up master who teases me about the idiot D'artagnan thing and my idiot master who didn't like the idea that I was in love with my halloween costume and went on about how good jedi don't pretend to be other people, but the next day brought me accessories for it and wore a costume that matched it. I mean you're supposed to love your master, right? I don't think I can fake loving anybody else.

I don't know what to do...

-Ahsoka

I lied tonight, you know.

-Wouldn't you like to know?

http://www.commiejournal.com/users/orcadian/718.html
-Agravaine

I love the internet

-Jonas

I think I finally got it right, my love, even if it is years later.
He certainly is MY son isn't he?
-Theoden